Some men are bad in bed but erroneously
think they are experts in creating pleasure. These are certain signs
that you are not as good as you think.
Just because you think you’re a s*x machine and women say you’ve given them great orgasms, doesn’t mean it’s true.
Every man worth his salt wants to be a
stud in the sack. And if you’re reading this article, you’ve already
taken a step in the right direction toward making sure your partner is
satisfied.
Of course, you probably clicked on this
by accident because you’re unbelievable in the bedroom. But just in case
you could use a reality check, we sat down with Emily Morse,
s*xologist, host of the ‘S*x with Emily’ podcast,
and co-founder of Emily & Tony, to find out what is it you’re doing
wrong, and how to fix it so you’ll leave her wanting to come back for
more.
1. You skip foreplay
The problem: You
come home after thinking about s*x all day and try to stick your penis
in her right away. She, on the other hand, has not been thinking about
s*x. She’s been thinking about work, that squabble with her best friend,
and what she’s making for dinner. She’s not warmed up, therefore she’s
not going to enjoy it.
Fix it: “Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay—I can’t say it enough!” Morse
says. You may be ready to go the second you get home, but you have to
remember, sex is mostly mental for women. They have to be warmed up,
physically and mentally. “Most women not only enjoy foreplay, but we need it in order to get aroused before actual intercourse,” Morse
says. Foreplay can even start hours before you’re through the door.
Send her a text about how much you can’t wait to see her or how
beautiful she looked this morning. Then when you get home kiss and
caress her before you start taking her clothes off. Foreplay isn’t a
suggestion; it’s a requirement for most women.
2. You don’t go down on her
The problem: You’re
so excited about having s*x or you’re not thinking about her needs, so
you weakly lick her clitoris a few times or skip over going down on her
altogether. You move straight into intercourse and, similarly to
skipping foreplay, she’s not warmed up and therefore doesn’t enjoy s*x
as much as you do.
Fix it: “Go down on her like you mean it! I mean, really mean it,” Morse says. “If
you really want her to enjoy s*x, then you need to enjoy performing
oral sex on her. Just like nothing is sexier than a woman who enjoys
giving a blow job, nothing is sexier than a man who enjoys giving oral
pleasure.” Only about 25 to 30% of women orgasm through
intercourse, and most of these women need (and likely want) clitoral
stimulation in addition to intercourse.
3. You don’t touch her after s*x
The problem: You roll over after s*x and tell her, “Sorry, babe, it’s just too hot,” then
keep a foot of distance between you and her. Maybe you chat with her
for a bit before falling asleep. Either way, you’re not up for cuddling.
Or, maybe you are, but you’ve got a 60-second timer counting down in
your head and never touch her for longer than that. She’s noticeably
annoyed, or at this point you’ve both gotten used to the fact that you
just don’t really touch after s*x.
Fix it: If
you’re not someone who likes to touch after sex, start off small and
make some kind of physical contact a normal part of your after-sex
routine. Scratch her back for a little while and lay a little closer
than normal. Once you’ve scratched her back for a while, move on to a
closer touch. Cuddling after sex will bring the two of you closer
together. The most successful relationships have ties to after-s*x
cuddling, according to new research out of the University of
Toronto—Mississauga.“The way you approach your partner after sex is really important to how you approach your relationship in general,” Morse says.
4. You’re afraid of doing something wrong, so you don’t try anything new
The problem: You’re
stuck in your head during s*x. You’ve thought about trying a new
position you read or heard about, but you’re afraid you won’t be able to
execute the move correctly or you might lose your erection. Missionary
and doggy style are tried and true, so you stick with those two, and you
have the same sex over and over again.
Fix it: Set aside your fears and replace them with passion. “S*x is awkward, you’re getting naked with another person and putting yourself in the most intimate setting possible,” Morse
says. There will be embarrassing moments and there will be things that
go wrong, but making mistakes is better than not doing anything at all. “Allow the passion of what you are experiencing to take over the fear of doing something wrong,” she says. “I guarantee your partner will find your passionate mistakes much sexier than your flat routine.”
5. You’re basing her pleasure on your performance
The problem: You
want her to orgasm in order to satisfy your own ego—because s*x is
about you feeling satisfied with your own performance. As a result, she
feels pressured to have an orgasm, which could lead her to fake it from
time to time. This results in sex that is no longer pleasurable for her,
and is detrimental to your partnership in general, Morse says.
Fix it: If
you’re too busy thinking about your own performance, you won’t think to
ask your partner what she actually wants, and you won’t be able to
learn how to actually make her orgasm. “A confident man will ask for direction and will learn what his partner wants,” Morse says.
6. You haven’t asked her what she likes
The problem: You
approach every woman as if there is a formula, assuming all woman can
orgasm the same way, and there is a simple trick to make that happen.
You don’t bother to ask a woman what she likes or how she wants to be
touched once the two of you step inside the bedroom.
Fix it: “Every woman is different, so you should approach every woman differently,”Morse
says. Once you’re getting to the point of intimacy with a woman, it’s
time to ask her what she likes. She may be making noises to let you know
she likes something you’re doing, but there could be something she
really wants you to do that she would tell you about if you just asked. “A
woman is not a secret combination box in which you have to figure out
the code, simply ask her and she’ll gladly let you know what she likes,” Morse says.
7. She hasn’t made a peep
The problem: When
a woman is into it, she will say something, anything! Yes, there are
women who aren’t loud in bed, but consistent silence indicates that she
isn’t enjoying herself and possibly doesn’t think it’s worth it to speak
up. “Silence after the fact can be another sign that she didn’t enjoy herself,” Morse
says. If you’re lying there panting, telling her how incredible that
was, and she’s got nothing to say, she wasn’t that into it.
The fix: Before
things heat up, let her know that it really turns you on when she tells
you what she likes, and what she wants. Afterward, skip the “Was it good for you?” and
start the conversation by telling her which parts you really enjoyed.
Then ask her if there was anything she especially liked, anything she
would want more of or what she would like you to do differently.
8. She’s overacting
The problem: “If
you’ve barely even touched her and she’s carrying on like a porn star,
chances are she’s acting out more pleasure than she’s actually feeling,” Morse
says. Reports show that roughly 80% of women admit to making s*x sounds
and moans, whether they are actually going to climax or not. They’re
doing this partially to enhance their partner’s experience, but also
because they’re insecure about not being able to orgasm. “Either
way, you should be the reason she is making sounds—and when the sounds
and the movements don’t match up, something is off,” Morse says.
The fix: Let
her know that it really makes you hot hearing that she is enjoying
herself, but that you would like to know what specific things feel best
for her.
9. You’re not addressing the obvious
The problem: You have some penis problems in the bedroom, but you never address them.
The fix: Talk
to her about it. It’s already the elephant in the room and she notices
that you’re not staying hard for long, experiencing premature
ejaculation, or you just can’t ejaculate at all (delayed ejaculation). “Women
are not as worried about this issue as you are, that is, until you
completely ignore it, or worse, just let it happen and then roll over
and fall asleep without giving a second thought to pleasing her,” Morse
says. Let her know that this happens to you sometimes, and it doesn’t
mean you’re not attracted to her or you’re unaware there is an issue.
Tell her you’re working on it. You can even bring her into the solution:
You need to slow down sometimes in the middle of intercourse, you’re
working on strengthening your stamina, and you’d love her to be patient
with you while you still do everything in your power to please her.
10. She told you she doesn’t orgasm EVERY time, so you don’t pleasure her once you’ve climaxed
The problem: You make the assumption that because you came, she came, too. Or you really don’t give much thought to it at all.
The fix: Rule
of thumb: she comes first. Make sure that she is always pleased before
you are. That way you can still have your happy ending knowing that she
had her needs met as well. “Many
men assume that just because they were satisfied, and she didn’t say
anything afterwards, you had the green light to roll over and go to
sleep,”Morse says. “If
you’re not sure if she had an orgasm, she probably didn’t. And if
you’ve never given any thought to her orgasm at all, you’ve got bigger
problems.”
Just because you asked her once or twice if she was satisfied and she says something like, “No worries, I’m fine,” or
she mentioned she doesn’t orgasm every time, that doesn’t mean she
wasn’t incredibly turned on by you and still wants an orgasm, even if
she didn’t experience it through intercourse.
Make sure that even if you’ve already
released, you muster up the strength to please her whether it’s with
your fingers, mouth, or a sex toy. She’ll know that her satisfaction is
important to you, and will feel more relaxed during intercourse knowing
that if she doesn’t climax before you do, she’ll still have fun with you
afterwards.
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