I remember writing a story about Halle Berry in college that included a mention of her abusive marriage.
“Leave
smoke” she said at the time recounting her mother’s advice on handling
men who mistreat women. For whatever reason, that quote always stuck
with me especially as I learned of friends dealing with unhealthy
relationships.
Here are five red flags that give
you the green light to walk away, even when you’re not 100 percent sure
you’re doing the right thing.
1. He gets violent, even if he doesn’t hit you.
You
may think this is a no-brainer but honestly it isn’t. Most women I know
who’ve been in abusive relationships have immense strength, only to
shut down in the presence of her partner’s anger and violence. As a
strong woman myself, I froze when a guy I’d been dating went into a rage
one night, throwing things, damaging property and calling me names. I
knew it was a deal-breaker because even though he didn’t put his hands
on me, he scared me. No healthy relationship can be built off a
foundation of fear because you never know when his actions may escalate.
Many
people will say this point is debatable because lots of couples who
have fidelity issues repair their relationship and end up in a better
than where they were pre-cheat*ng. But it’s not the act of cheat*ng
that’s the deal-breaker here; it’s the disrespect, broken trust and
significant risk to your health. (Hello, STDs!) With all the risks that
hang in the balance for just a tiny bit of pleasure, it’s entirely
inconsiderate and selfish when a man cheats on you. Do you want someone
who puts his wants before your needs, like security and trust? I don’t
which is why I’ve said BYE to cheat*ng men.
3. He doesn’t claim or proclaim you.
Many
women will spend time in limbo-like relationships with guys who won’t
give them the girlfriend title. Here’s the truth: If you’ve been dating a
man for longer than six to nine months and he’s hasn’t made you an
official part of his life, it’s time to MOVE ON. Stop making excuses for
why things aren’t progressing to the next level; you’ll only waste time
and your time is worth more than that. These days, I don’t settle for
less because I don’t want a man who makes you a bargain-bin find. If he
knows your worth, he’ll claim and proclaim you and there will be few
conversations about how ‘he isn’t ready.’
4. He suffers from addiction.
There
are plenty of honor badges to be earned by standing by your man when
he’s fallen on hard times. But CAUTION if you stick with a man fighting
demons, namely addiction. Addiction can range from less-severe, like
cigarettes, to major issues such as drug, alcohol and $ex. Someone who
suffers from an addiction will do anything – and I mean anything – to
get their fix, even at the expense of those they love. So unless you’d
like to be second to whatever vices he has, it may be time to ‘leave
smoke.’
We’ve
spoken about gaslighting, which is the manipulative act of someone
attempting to change your memory or perception of events in their favor,
making you feel crazy or like you’ve forgotten something. But when is
gaslighting a dealbreaker, you ask? The answer is when it happens! A man
who resorts to manipulative tactics to have his way or ‘win’ an
argument will continue to play mind games and be dishonest with you.
When I experienced gaslighting in my relationships, I felt crazy and my
self-esteem plummeted until I understood the game that was being played.
Take advantage of the situation and leave immediately; it’s the best
thing you can do for yourself.
– Redpepper.co.ug
About Queen Larbih
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