Are you in love with a s*x addict? These very obvious signs will clear the doubts that you’ve had before.
Internet
p*rnography and the ease of connecting with someone online has allowed
for individual’s $ex addiction to skyrocket in both men and women. One
of the most common justifications $exual addicts make for their
obsession is, “No one gets hurt.”
On the contrary, here
are 12 ways this addiction to self-love harms the addicts’ family,
whether it’s through physical or emotional abuse; both the spouse and
children are affected.
1. They lie and sneak around.
$exual
addicts are masters at using “weasel words” for legalistic evasion of
being caught in a lie. They tell just a little bit of truth to create a
completely false impression. Then if they get caught, they harp on the
smidgeon of technical truth to accuse their mate of not remembering
correctly or misunderstanding.
They also keep at their
disposal a ready supply of accusations to hurl at a mate who gets too
close to uncovering their secrets (i.e. “You’re just jealous,” “You’re
overreacting,” “Everyone will think you’re crazy if they hear you say
that,” or “You just don’t trust me”).
A formerly
intelligent partner may quickly be reduced to a shaking bowl of Jell-O
by the skillful verbal manipulation of an emotionally adulterous spouse.
$exual addicts master this “crazy-making” technique as they slide
deeper into their compulsive addiction. Experienced counselors know that
what the addict says may or may not be true.
2. They sometimes abuse alcohol or drugs as well.
$exual
addicts often deliberately use alcohol and drugs to numb their thinking
and to excuse themselves for doing activities they lack the courage to
do when sober. In other words, addicts might consciously recognize the
danger of $exually transmitted diseases if they picked up a prostitute.
But if they go to a bar for drinks and pick up a stranger, they fulfill
their wish for illicit $exual contact.
However, their
consciences don’t hold them accountable for the consequences, because
they were drinking or using drugs. Thus, $exual addicts often seek
alcohol and drugs on an unconscious level to justify moving into deeper
addiction.
3. They can be perpetrators of verbal abuse.
Addicts
often blame their partner and children as a way of soothing a guilty
conscience. They quickly become experts at making their family members
feel stup*d and ashamed when anyone questions their conduct. Some
husbands and wives are so intimidated by the addicts’ outbursts of anger
and blame, that they drop the subject rather than risk further exposure
to the tirades. As a result, the abuser successfully buries the
addiction with verbal attacks on the family.
$exual
addicts always accuse the spouse and children of causing their vile
behavior. The family lives in constant fear of when the next reprisal
will hit for some insignificant mistake on their part. Their misdeed may
be as simple as laughing together. A depressed family is easier to
control.
If
verbal abuse is allowed to continue long enough, it’s only a matter of
time before physical abuse joins it. It’s becoming more common for women
to also physically abuse their husband and children. However, many
female $ex addicts prefer more devious ways to punish their family.
5. They can be perpetrators of emotional abuse.
Mentally
withdrawing often goes unrecognized as emotional abuse simply because
of its silent nature. It shows up as pouting, spending hours on the
computer or watching TV, not speaking for days, giving “the look,” and
refusing to share or listen to feelings. Refusing to give compliments is
a nearly universal form of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse follows the same cycle as verbal and physical abuse:
Buildup of tension
Release of tension in the abusive action
Loving respite where everything is wonderfully OK
However,
the family may not even be aware that they were slimed by the $exual
addict. Instead, the addict’s constant vacillating between showing some
concern and then being emotionally absent keeps the family in a state of
confusion and stress.
6. They can be perpetrators of $exual abuse.
p*rnography
and R-rated movies, along with masturbation, teach $exual addicts to
$exually use their mate. Thus, they lose the ability to emotionally and
$exually love their partner. Instead of turning addicts into better
lovers as p*rnography tricks them into believing, they become totally
self-centered and self-gratifying at the expense of their mate.
Incapable
of connecting emotionally or giving and receiving real pleasure with
their mate or any human, $ex becomes mechanical with addicts. The mate
will be lucky if the $exual abuse stops here. However, the addicts may
progress to enjoying inflicting sadistic pain. Some male addicts force
their wife to engage in $ex with others while they watch and bring other
women into their beds.
7. Their addiction can spiral into acting on thoughts of incest.
This
is a frequent part of $exual addiction. Amazingly, mothers and fathers
who looked proudly and lovingly at their newborn child and who would’ve
gladly sacrificed their own life for that child, can one day degenerate
into an incestuous pervert. They not only engage in fantasies of $exual
indecencies with that same child, but many act them out.
Both
boys and girls bear the emotional scars of addictive parents who
deceived themselves into believing they were expressing love and
teaching their child how to be loving through $exual molestation. This
is a small example of how delusional their thinking becomes.
8. They’re bitter and angry.
Bitterness
and anger are nearly always present in $exual addiction. Sometimes
disappointment and bitterness over the marriage makes a person receptive
to adultery, p*rnography, and masturbation. However, most $exual
addiction starts during the teen years. The person develops bitterness
from exposure to the degradation of men and women portrayed in p*rn.
This opens the heart for bitterness and anger to flourish.
Whichever
comes first, the bitterness or the p*rnography, $exual addicts always
display a profound ignorance and lack of appreciation for the
differences between men and women. Over time, bitterness warps the
thinking of addicts so much that they lose all touch with reality.
Eventually, the bitterness and anger consume the $exual addict’s
thinking toward their mate and children.
9. They have unreasonable levels of perfectionism.
Demanding
perfection amounts to dominion of the family and attempts to force
their personalities into sadistic submission. When the family masters
one area of criticism, the addict simply harps on a new complaint.
Unreasonable expectations of perfection usually get quite severe before
the children become old enough to escape the home.
It
often takes the partner a long time to realize that the family cannot
please the addict no matter how hard they try. By the time the partner
starts trying to stand up to undeserved blame, everyone in the family is
fighting for emotional survival.
10. They judge their family’s motives negatively.
A
lot of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse results from this
assigning of evil motives to the mate and children. Although addicts may
spout wild accusations at their family, they keep most of their
negative thoughts secret. This allows addicts to view themselves as the
good spouse and parent who puts up with so much.
Thus,
if no one has a chance to refute their delusional thinking, addicts are
free to escalate their motive judging to a whole new level of
outrageousness. The family doesn’t have a chance of winning the addict’s
love or favor.
Yet, it’s just as wrong for
non-addicted mates to assign good motives to the $exual addict. Making
excuses for the addict keeps the family locked in denial and minimizes
the abuse and harm done to them. This allows the addict’s addiction and
thinking to become more compulsive and ridiculous.
11. They’re financially irresponsible.
As
the $exual addiction progresses, it becomes so consuming that many
addicts secretly squander family finances on their personal $exual
pleasure. They often neglect their family’s basic needs while insisting
on the best clothes, meals, entertainment — the best everything for
themselves. The family struggles to make do with what they have or
accepts hand-me-downs from others.
Many addicts rack up
debts of thousands of dollars to indulge their addiction. One $exual
addict confessed to spending $70,000 on his addiction during the three
years prior to when his wife left him. Addicts hide these debts from the
mate along with the addiction. As the obsession progresses, they lose
the ability to concentrate on their work. They may engage in risky
behavior that compromises their job.
12. They abuse authority.
Many
male addicts take great pride in being the head of the family and
appeal to God to assert, “I’m the leader! I get to do whatever I want!”
Contrary to their declaration, God didn’t give husbands and fathers any
personal rights with their position of leadership. Instead of rights,
God assigns men responsibilities: to love their wife and children as
themselves.
The selfishness of male addicts can become
so extreme that claiming to be the head of the wife and children would
be laughable, if it weren’t for the intense damage they heap upon their
family. They often expect their family to take care of all home duties
such as paying bills, yard work, along with house and car maintenance.
Their only contribution is to gripe loud and long.
It’s
not unusual to find addicts neglecting planned family times such as
special meals, school functions, sports events, holidays, birthdays, and
anniversaries. Secretly pleasuring themselves is always their priority.
When questioned, they fall back on their assumed authority: “You’re not
submissive,” “You don’t have a quiet spirit,” “You just want to be the
boss.”
In the end, one thing is clear: Everyone gets hurt.
Once
self-gratification becomes addictive, men and women have a hard time
overcoming their deviant cravings. $exual addicts become unable to love
anyone emotionally or $exually. They lose the ability to nurture their
children. The children grow up starved for love and acceptance, and
carry the scars throughout their lives. $exual addicts pay a huge
personal price for their stolen moments of pleasure.
******************
– This article is adapted from Adultery and $exual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage
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