So, we’re getting real about the $ex
moments that have happened to us all, from drawing blanks through dirty talk to
Kama Sutra gone very wrong.
1. Getting undressed
Just as things start heating up, you’re faced with the conundrum that is ‘how do I take my clothes off while simultaneously kissing and not poking anyone’s eye out?’. Next comes finicky belt buckles and don’t even get us started on socks. Standing nak*d but for your ankle socks is part and parcel of life.
Just as things start heating up, you’re faced with the conundrum that is ‘how do I take my clothes off while simultaneously kissing and not poking anyone’s eye out?’. Next comes finicky belt buckles and don’t even get us started on socks. Standing nak*d but for your ankle socks is part and parcel of life.
2. Queefing
This probably happens in movies, too. You just don’t hear it over the exceedingly intense Celine Dion soundtrack.
This probably happens in movies, too. You just don’t hear it over the exceedingly intense Celine Dion soundtrack.
Not sure what queefing is? In short,
it’s an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus or what you most likely
to hear called, a vaginal fart.
3. When your body won’t cooperate
Whether it’s because your partner has lost his erection or you’re lacking lubrication, sometimes – as much as you both want to have s*x – your bodies won’t align with your brains. It can be awkward for both of you but, instead of ruminating, grab a snack or watch TV and you can get back to it later on.
Whether it’s because your partner has lost his erection or you’re lacking lubrication, sometimes – as much as you both want to have s*x – your bodies won’t align with your brains. It can be awkward for both of you but, instead of ruminating, grab a snack or watch TV and you can get back to it later on.
4. When the position is
uncomfortable
While you’re partner’s having a great time, your knee is pushed so far behind your neck that you’re wondering what will come first; the courage to say it’s not working or a major cramp. We recommend the former.
While you’re partner’s having a great time, your knee is pushed so far behind your neck that you’re wondering what will come first; the courage to say it’s not working or a major cramp. We recommend the former.
5. Unwarranted dirty talk
If you’re good at it and you enjoy it? Great. If you don’t? Welcome to an evening of (a) trying not to burst into a fit of laughter or (b) drawing blanks every time you’re asked ‘what do you want me to do to you?’.
If you’re good at it and you enjoy it? Great. If you don’t? Welcome to an evening of (a) trying not to burst into a fit of laughter or (b) drawing blanks every time you’re asked ‘what do you want me to do to you?’.
6. You can hear housemates in the
next room
Few things are more distracting than the fear that the walls aren’t soundproof, followed by the realisation that if you can hear them, they can probably hear you, too.
Few things are more distracting than the fear that the walls aren’t soundproof, followed by the realisation that if you can hear them, they can probably hear you, too.
This goes for solo s*x sessions too.
7. When your orgasm isn’t happening
Sometimes, no matter how good the s*x is or how well your partner knows your needs, you can reach the realisation that an orgasm isn’t going to happen today. Not everyone climaxes every time, and when even incredible or*l $ex won’t get you off, you know it’s time to pull out the friendly head tap.
Sometimes, no matter how good the s*x is or how well your partner knows your needs, you can reach the realisation that an orgasm isn’t going to happen today. Not everyone climaxes every time, and when even incredible or*l $ex won’t get you off, you know it’s time to pull out the friendly head tap.
8. When a new position goes wrong
It looked so s*xy in the Kama Sutra booklet, but navigating your way through an anti-gravity move has gone so very, very wrong. Instead of hovering upside-down for so long that you begin to lose consciousness, untangle yourselves and realise that $ex and levitation don’t go hand-in-hand.
It looked so s*xy in the Kama Sutra booklet, but navigating your way through an anti-gravity move has gone so very, very wrong. Instead of hovering upside-down for so long that you begin to lose consciousness, untangle yourselves and realise that $ex and levitation don’t go hand-in-hand.
9. When you wish he’d say it, not
spray it
Oh god, the moment you wish you’d never agreed for him finish on your face. Because (a) you now can’t see, and (b) before bed you’d meticulously cleansed, toned and moisturised your face with actual expensive skincare.
Oh god, the moment you wish you’d never agreed for him finish on your face. Because (a) you now can’t see, and (b) before bed you’d meticulously cleansed, toned and moisturised your face with actual expensive skincare.
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